My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
