Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
