saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
