And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Randomize
