awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I need to sanitize my soul.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
