Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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