the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
