dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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