Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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