You just made me feel so damn special
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
its liver damage thursday
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
