I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
i think my cat just said my name.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
