I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
you will always have a special place in my vag
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Randomize