I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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