I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
