hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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