my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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