Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
