mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
