Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
