i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize