the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Just pee around me
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
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