Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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