Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
