It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
