i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
