OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
