lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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