Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize