I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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