I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize