You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
