My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
