I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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