why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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