I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
