she takes plan B like it's going out of style
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
