Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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