I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
