Swine flu. Run for my life!
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize