Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize