dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
