Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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