Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
My life is pants optional.
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