totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
