He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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