At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
this is an emotional support booty call
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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