If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
