if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
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