Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
