i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
