Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
my god I love twenty year old dicks
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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