i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
