That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
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