Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
