remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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