It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
we're so committed to being not committed
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