Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Randomize
