my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
