i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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