at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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