thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
