I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Randomize
