Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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