I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
True college students do jello shots in the library
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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